WEDNESDAY 3rd JUNE
My life does take some bizarre twists and turns. You may recall I mentioned about six months ago I commentated on a football match which was broadcast live on TV in Indonesia. Well, the producer that day rang me up and asked me to go to London this week and narrate a documentary about the footballer Kanu and the charity he runs. When or where this film will be broadcast I really don’t know but it was a pleasure to do.
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Talking of bizarre things… I had my arse waxed last Saturday. I was only planning to have my back done and eyebrows tidied up by Sylvia at Tantalize in Madeley but we got a bit carried away. The details of the waxing are not overly pleasant, especially as you might be eating while reading this, but it didn’t hurt as much as I thought. At one point, as the wax was being smeared and my backside was poking upwards, I said to Sylvia: “Don’t worry – I’m not going to fart.” It lightened the tension.
I’m having a manicure and pedicure this weekend (as Dale and I are off to Ibiza soon after and I like to be all clean and tidy) and am considering having my toenails painted pink. When I mentioned this to Dale, his face was a picture. I think he would’ve been less shocked if I’d said Psycho Bitch1 and Psycho Bitch2 had moved in next door. I tried to blag that it would be in support of our mate Trudy who is undergoing treatment for breast cancer; pink being the colour most associated with that charity. “You can sit on your own around the pool,” was Dale’s response.
I don’t actually think I’d have the bollocks to let someone paint them. Having the hairs ripped out of my ass is one thing but coloured varnish is another. There’s a line which I may have already crossed that probably doesn’t need crossing again.
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Regarding the recent suspected trapped nerve I had in my back, I got this response from my dad: “I’m not surprised – it’s probably the funny positions you get in!” I have no idea what he was on about…
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From the Shropshire Star: “A couple from Telford went on the Jeremy Kyle show and took a lie detector test to see if the man had been cheating. They’ve now announced they’re getting married.”
This concerns me on several levels. The woman clearly doesn’t trust him totally – but why air your dirty laundry on a national TV show? They’re obviously a certain type, if you get my meaning. You probably know my take on relationships by now. Why didn’t the bloke just say: “If you trust me, you’ll accept I’m telling the truth and haven’t been unfaithful but if you don’t trust me, why the hell are we still together?”
In my opinion, most people are stupid. They over-complicate simple things. You’ve got to have trust. There is no place for jealousy on any level within a relationship – I know some disagree with me but they’re probably those who aren’t as calm and measured in my approach to it. No trust = no point.
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Recent blog reaction:
Kristie: “First time I’ve read it for a while [fact] Made me lol a bit [fact – ish does anyone actually laugh out loud when they lol?] I agree with you much love to Trudy, she’s inspirational and amazing [fact!!!!]“
Vikki: “Love it love it love it!!! Just looked like a mad-woman at work, laughing and almost crying over your blog! The chav parts and Corndog comments were especially funny!”
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I was kindly invited to the stunning new Showcase Cinema De Lux in Leicester last week as some former Leicester City players took part in a question and answer session. My question to the players afterwards was: “Are we going out drinking?” The answer was: “Yes.” It was a top night.
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I’m not sure I believe in this whole global warming thing. It’s probably just a load of hot air.
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I have now become an official partner of Central Taxis, the number one service in Telford. Call them on 01952 501050 or visit www.501050.co.uk for all your taxi needs. Every customer that makes a booking will automatically get Ringback. Your phone will ring twice to let you know your car will arrive shortly.
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Nightclub news 1: we’ve booked controversial model Jodie Marsh and actor Elliott Tittensor (aka Carl Gallagher from Shameless) as guests on Friday 3rd July at Pussycats. Elliott’s character in Shameless is part of a dysfunctional family living on a rough-as-arseholes council estate. To make him feel at home, we’ve booked him into a B&B in Sutton Hill. (*)
(*) Obviously we haven’t really.
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Nightclub news 2: The re-opening of Athena in Telford is set to be in mid-July and it will be called Club Crush. The bar will be called Vox and Dragons Den is the name of the restaurant in the complex. People keep asking me whether I’ll be DJ-ing there (as it’s part of the Medlink stable which owns Pussycats) but I have no idea.
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My latest photos from Pussycats are in the gallery at www.djwanker.com – and you can come and follow me at www.twitter.com/djwanker
I’m a little bit disappointed that so few people have pledged money for breast cancer research especially as Dale is going to throw himself out of a plane for the charity. Even if you can only spare a couple of quid, it’s appreciated. You can donate here… http://www.justgiving.com/dalelloyd
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In the end, I actually enjoyed Britain’s Got Talent, mainly for the judges and their comments. Diversity were brilliant and worthy winners and Julian Smith, the saxophone guy, was awesome. I thought Stavros Flatley were hilarious – so great to see a father and son having a right laugh together, even if technically it wasn’t a top drawer performance. It was, however, pure entertainment.
I’m glad the voting public saw sense and didn’t allow the fruitcake to win. Susan Boyle only became a celebrity a month or so ago and already she’s checked into rehab. She obviously wasn’t right in the head to start with.
Scottish … a face like a slapped arse … something not quite right about them … finished second … Susan Boyle or Gordon Brown at the next general election?
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On the subject of watching thoroughly enjoyable things on the telly, let’s talk about football and the Champions League final. I was proudly and fully behind Barcelona and savoured every minute of their glorious win over Manchester United. Facebook was buzzing all night as the United contingent cried their eyes out and everyone else cried with laughter.
I remember last year when United beat Chelsea, the *supporters* were crowing, gloating, goading and generally being typically arrogant on Facebook. They didn’t like it this time when they got it back in spades. To illustrate their lack of self-awareness, they lashed out, saying things like: “How can people be cheering on a foreign club against an English side?”
Hatred towards United isn’t really borne out of jealousy. Yes, they have amazing players and are fabulously successful but they lack class and humility in most areas. And the plastic fans – glory-hunting, bandwagon-jumping tossers who only follow them because they win a lot – really grind my gears.
I support my club, Leicester, first and my country, England, second. I would rather see Leicester win the Premier League or FA Cup (okay, it’s unlikely) than England win the World Cup. I would love England to win the World Cup of course but my club side always comes first.
On the night in Rome, the better side won. Barcelona’s victory saved us from the crowing and gloating from the army of plastics. United don’t lose very often but the part-time fans need to understand that it’s about give and take. They gave it when they won in 2008 but couldn’t take it 12 months later. That’s what lets you down. Learn some humility or, better still, learn to support a club you have a real connection with. That’s how you’ll earn respect in the football community.
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Sad news from America – former boxer Mike Tyson is grieving after his four-year-old daughter died in a tragic accident. I would never seek to make light of such a truly horrific thing but you really wouldn’t want to be the doctor breaking the news to Iron Mike.
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A great put-down line, directed at a bloke: “You couldn’t pull a bird in an aviary with a loaf of bread on your head.”
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And finally – I went out with a girl once and asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She said something with diamonds would be nice. Her face was priceless when she ripped off the wrapping paper and saw I’d bought a packet of playing cards.
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
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